Thursday, December 23, 2010

Acceptance....

Well, I think acceptance of this stupid disease has been the hardest thing for me...  Sometimes when I think I have, then another new and more lovely symptom pops up.  So far, I have had 2 periods in this last year where I have felt pretty good.  They each lasted about 12 days, and then there were a couple of 4 days... 

Pretty good means just numbness and fatigue..  Bad can mean paralyzed on one side at night, exploding legs with popcorn, wet jeans, firey skin...  Numb hand, dizzy, weak..  Hips hurting, stiff ankles, knees and wrists... 

Just when I think I am good to go, then the exploding legs happen and it's hard to accept.  I don't want to be like this, and I want to go run my dogs.... 

Pretty fucking hideous...  Guess I am feeling sorry for myself....

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Dreaming...

Well shit...  I am dreaming of running the dogs in a trial in March...  I better save up my cashola...  Airfare, 2 dog tickets, entry fees....  If I could go, I will get to train with cool people and see my friends...  I wanna do that especially with Darla before she is too old and I am possibly disabled...   If I can stay feeling as good as I do right now I will be quite pleased...    Maybe I will think of a sweet way to get there....

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Walking in the snow....

Well, I am happy to announce (to myself) that I have been feeling pretty good.  Did 4 blinds yesterday afternoon with the girls.  Both of them had to stop and check out this little kid glove on the way out for a sec. 

Let me mention that walking in the snow when your feet feel like they have large Nerf arrows inside your shoes can be rather challenging!  Because I find myself picking my feet up as if I am marching, so that I can put them down evenly.  But what happens is that it feels like only parts of my feet make it, and so it throws me off.  I have learned to overcome the annoyance for the most part.  Sometimes it is quite challenging when 2 yellow girls are constantly bringing me snowballs and sticks to throw for them.  I let them do that sort of nonsense when they are airing before working.  Some trialers frown upon that sort of thing, but I think it's cute.  Well, it's cute for a few minutes...

Sometimes when I am out airing, and I fall down, they jump all over my head as I curl into a ball to escape them.  The stuff their noses under my chin, arms, trying to help me out..  Last year when my MS troubles 1st started, I had to get mad at them so I could get back up by myself.. 

Anyway, am glad to be feeling pretty good today..  Just have the numb and stiff ankles, feet..  My legs have the popcorn but not too bad.  Hips are sore but don't really hurt, and my other numb skin up my back isn't as intense..  I hope I stay this good for more than a couple of days as usual. 

After work, I am gonna go out in the snow again.  Hopefully the Nerf arrows won't be quite so big.. 

Monday, December 6, 2010

Just thinking...

You know, I go to this forum called Patients Like Me (PLM) .  At first I went there to find info, then left a couple of times swearing to myself never to go back, because I foound it mostly syrupy sweet and all about God loves you and all that.  Then I just had to keep going, and then it became depressing, seeing people making posts about all the terrible pain, and hideous ways that people treat them.  Also there are the ones who wallow in self pity and I feel so bad for them...  I hope not to come across to my friends that way...

Now, although all that stuff is still there, I realize that people are just trying to deal with this MS shit, and also trying to help others through it however they can.   I have learned alot, and also feel like if I ever met some of them, I would like to get to know them. 

Tonight there was a post from a guy that hasn't been touched by his wife for a very long time and is a burden to her.  He is stuck in a wheelchair and can't even hold his grandson.  He wants to die..   All he wants is for someone to hug him. 

I wonder what I am gonna do when I get that bad, IF I get that bad.  I better get my shit together and make some sort of long term plan.  I don't know what I am gonna do either, but if I ever get like that, I will not stick around.. 

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Holidays.....

I can't wait for the holidays to be over.  Not because I am a scrooge, but because the kids are grown, and am short on money...  No-one to make little crafts with, or cookies with..  No sounds of Christmas Eve and morning - little footsteps and excited little voices...

Now it's more the obligations of holidays, putting on a cheery face when I don't feel good, pretending all is ok...   I don't really like my life right now, and am sick of being like this... 

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Parking lots & retrievers....

Well, today seems to be a better day...  So I will be visiting the parking lots for some sweet drills with Darla and Spanky.  Well, that is if I can get the dogbox doors open.  Last night I went and couldn't get the bumpers out!  It's - 10 at my house, so thats what the problem is, they are frozen shut! 

Parking lot drills are fun.  The first time I did a parking lot was after I quit trying to be a dog trainer.  Darla was around 2 years old, and I couldn't even get her to a tiny 75 yard (or less) blind.  There weren't even any factors to fight!  Skrew it!  Didn't know what I was doing...   Anyhow, field champion trainer Howard felt sorry for me, (he liked my dog and said I owed it to her to tain her) and so agreed to help me.  He didnt realize that he was going to be stuck with me from there on out.  The poor man would go home every night with a bad headache after repeatedly banging his blockhead on the back of his truck.  He had soon realized that I had skipped steps, had misunderstood steps, and had generally fouled up my dog.  She wanted desparately to work, but couldn't figure out what the heck I wanted, and I couldn't figure out how!  So with Howards help, we went back to the basics and started over..  My dog is his dog Bam's age...  Bam has qualified for Nationals a few times, and I am still making acceptance speeches for my green ribbons!

Ok, so a drill is what we call anything that teaches a dog basic commands, and concepts.  We teach them things like stopping on a whistle, coming in on 2 whistles, casting (casting is where the dog changes direction by taking our "casts" with arm movements - over, angles and straight back).  We also teach them "concepts" like going past a visible bird to a hidden one, running tight to a gunner (which they don't like to do because as puppies we have taught them not to run to the guy that threw the bird), blind over and through obstacles..  A blind is where we have hidden a bird or bumper, and the dog has to take the casts to get to it just FYI.....

All the little things taught as puppies to get to this point are usually done in your backyard or a park.  To each "over" for example, we have the dog sit facing us, and we toss a bumper to a pile that was placed off to the side.  then we put our arm out that direction and command Over...  So that way, they know what the basic commands are, and can expand it in a bigger location.  We have to do this in lots of spots every day until it is solid.  Then after that we call them "tune up" drills...

Anyhow, wintertime is the time for parking lot drills since not much else can be done at night here in Alaska.  The problem is that sometimes it is so cold, or maybe in January it has rained on our snow creating dangerous footing for them so we don't work them.  When that happens, the dogs drive me crazy begging to go training by the door...  They just sit there and pout, or jump up the minute I move anywhere near the door...

Now, because of MS, parking lots are not as much fun for me.  I am super tired at night, and my legs feel like they are exploding even tho they aren't.   But, the yellow girls don't care, they are pretty sure a parking lot drill would do wonders for me.  And they are right for the most part.  Once I get out it's ok.....

At the beginning of my parking lot schooling 5 years ago, Howard told me that Darla would never pass a Q (qualifying stake in a field trial) but might pass a Master Hunter or two. Since then she has become a titled Master Hunter, has become Qualified All Age in field trials, and is running and finishing All Age stakes.  (AA is where they become field champions if they were the best dog that day)  Anyway, I hope to someday beat Howard and make him proud.  Sometimes when Darla does great at a trial, I can see him in the gallery blubbering with joy........

Tonight, if I am still doing good, and it's not -10, and I can get the dogbox open, I will go parking lot training....  :)